Fuck, fear, failure, flora and fauna… all these f-words are currently a part of my life. Let us not get into the complete f-part of the dictionary, but let me explain the mentioned f-words.
Fear – I have been meditating for four years, and started getting into mindfulness at the end of last year. Not only is it a way to cope with life and try to relax, it also shows what is inside that mind of yours. In my case it revealed fear, and a lot of it.
What if I will be housebound for more years to come or even my whole life? What if things get worse? What if I never will recover so that I might never again join my partner when getting groceries, or having a drink together somewhere nice? Just sharing these insecurities with you makes my heart pound.
Failure – Being ill for ten years is one thing, not being able to get anything done is another. I am not up to activities that used to be a part of my so called normal life, and I am still not used to it. Even the smallest things might be a big deal. Like writing this article, taking a shower or even walking our garden up and down (considering it is about 25 yards long).
However, that doesn’t make me a loser. I am just not that lucky. You see? Two l-words that are not related to me. Apparently, I am more a f-word kind of girl.
Flora and Fauna – Speaking of non-related words, let me tell you about the birds and flowers in that same garden. It gives me great joy to see a black bird building her nest in our shrubbery, and on a relative good day I am able to pick some flowers to bring inside the house.
There are also pairs of blue tits and great tits visiting. I am grateful for their colorful appearances. But there is the thing I do not understand: who had the bright idea to call these little fellows ‘great’, when they are such tiny birds? Really.
Ciao, Fleur —> who is still having a roller coaster ride of a life, but can proudly state that there are indeed days that she can restrain herself from loudly calling out ‘Fuck.’
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