I live by a saying that my mother taught me: if somewhere a door closes, somewhere else a window will open. It means that during a bad period in life, hope is there. Something completely different might happen very unexpectedly. Perhaps you meet a new friend that will lend you a helping hand or tries to make you smile. Possibly a new chapter in your life with new dimensions may occur. It could be anything, no matter how little but full of hope.
So when my life was falling apart six months after I got suddenly ill, I was waiting for the unknown signal that symbolized hope. With feeling more dreadful every month, having fights with relatives because they couldn’t understand the nature of my disease (as if I could?!) and even losing my allowance, I thought things couldn’t get worse. Doors were closing one after another. Even things that I never considered an obstacle turned out to be a problem.
Where was that window of opportunity? My sparkle of hope? I could do with a new dimension that would give me some relief. ‘Let’s start that new chapter,’ I was ready to roll. During that black period I even was about to buy a lottery ticket. If that window wasn’t opening by itself, perhaps this was a way I could try to force it?
Years later, at this very moment I am still fighting the same battles. Or trying to ignore it, because some things never change. But by now I have changed. I have other thoughts about expectations, being ill and on relationships. I learned the hard way. Perhaps that new knowledge is my reward, is it the window that opened. I can tell you that it did silently, but somehow it was just there.
That is why I am leaving my blue mark. It is my personal signal of hope. I am aware that the chance of a M.E. patient to stumble upon it is very slim. But even if it would only make one fellow sufferer smile, my goal has been reached. And I suppose the chances aren’t that different from buying a winning lottery ticket.
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